Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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