Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
