I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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