So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
