I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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