he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
