1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize