Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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