There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
