Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
