I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
