You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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