yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
