Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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