We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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