I met the friendliest cop last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Even my vagina gasped.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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