My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
