well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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