I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
