He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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