i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
