Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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