I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you inspire me to be a worse person
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The power of my boobs compel you
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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