Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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