and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
