i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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