Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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