I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
