Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
