she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize