Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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