Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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