If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
