i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just googled if crying burns calories
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Randomize
