I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize