Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
