I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
