i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
