I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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