U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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