Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
