I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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