i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
