This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
