Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize