that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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