I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
