I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Acid is not a monday night drug
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
