It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
