the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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