Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
