Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
