I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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