Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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