ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
