she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
