Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
