So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
