bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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