here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
