Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
