How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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