HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
