I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
