When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
