Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
