dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
