I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
