So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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